1
00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:04,469
[♪]
2
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It was a nice funeral,
wasn't it, al?
3
00:01:19,611 --> 00:01:21,946
Come on, honey.
4
00:01:21,947 --> 00:01:23,815
Come on.
5
00:01:23,816 --> 00:01:24,816
He's dead, peg.
6
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He's dead.
7
00:01:27,119 --> 00:01:28,319
What am I
gonna do now?
8
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,320
Oh, easy, al.
9
00:01:29,321 --> 00:01:31,289
Nobody lives forever.
10
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I thought he would.
11
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He had a nice full life.
12
00:01:34,626 --> 00:01:36,127
Now, be strong, al.
13
00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:38,563
You're just gonna
have to face the fact.
14
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Your barber is dead.
15
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Why did it
have to be him,
16
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Who meant so much
to so many?
17
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Why couldn't it
have been somebody
18
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Nobody
would have missed,
19
00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:50,541
A wretch
of a human being?
20
00:01:50,542 --> 00:01:52,077
Why couldn't it have been
your mother?
21
00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:55,747
Well, I'm sure there's
still someone alive
22
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Who can cut all 12
of your remaining hairs
23
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For a buck
and a quarter.
24
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It wasn't the money,
peg.
25
00:02:01,053 --> 00:02:02,954
Tony knew my hair,
and he cared.
26
00:02:02,955 --> 00:02:04,022
Remember that time
27
00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:06,324
I had that bad case
of dandruff in '83?
28
00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:08,593
Yeah, I remember.
29
00:02:08,594 --> 00:02:10,394
The whole family gathered
some coal and a carrot,
30
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And we made
frosty the dandruff man.
31
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Tony was there
32
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To hold my hand
through that rough time.
33
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Going to tony was
a family tradition.
34
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My father went to him.
35
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I went to him.
36
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,007
I took bud to him...
37
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Till the other kids
started calling him
38
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"bud the bowl head."
39
00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,546
It broke my heart
when bud refused to go.
40
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I had to tell tony
bud died.
41
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We wept together.
42
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That's the kind of guy
tony was.
43
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Everybody loved him.
44
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Sorry I'm late,
45
00:02:43,295 --> 00:02:45,296
But I wanted to wait
till they packed the dirt
46
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Over the old butcher.
47
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That old butcher cried
when you died, bud.
48
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I'll bet he did.
49
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Who else would let him
put a cereal bowl on their head
50
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While he said,
51
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"I'm a-gonna make you
look like sinatra."
52
00:02:59,511 --> 00:03:02,247
Bud, your father's right.
53
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:05,583
We should show a little respect,
even for the hated dead,
54
00:03:05,584 --> 00:03:08,386
And like my mother said
when I married your father,
55
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"if you can't feel it, fake it."
56
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Yeah, and if you don't care
anymore, marry it.
57
00:03:17,596 --> 00:03:19,297
Now, I'd like
a moment of silence
58
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For my barber.
59
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Excuse me.
60
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Amen.
61
00:03:25,504 --> 00:03:27,038
Well,
62
00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:28,572
Now that tony's worm food,
63
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I can get
out of these funeral clothes.
64
00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:32,743
Oh, dad,
65
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You know how
66
00:03:34,013 --> 00:03:35,780
I've been bothering you
about a sports car?
67
00:03:35,781 --> 00:03:37,348
Well, forget it.
68
00:03:37,349 --> 00:03:38,850
I want a hearse.
69
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I was just cruising around
the cemetery
70
00:03:40,252 --> 00:03:41,986
With boris, the driver.
71
00:03:41,987 --> 00:03:43,254
Oh, god, was it cool.
72
00:03:43,255 --> 00:03:44,655
On Friday night,
he's taking me out
73
00:03:44,656 --> 00:03:46,524
And promised to have
a real dead body in it...
74
00:03:48,493 --> 00:03:51,229
But mom said it's wrong
to use a guy for his hearse,
75
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,464
So can I have one of my own,
please?
76
00:03:53,465 --> 00:03:55,033
Well, al,
77
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:58,837
She has been doing
better in school.
78
00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:01,772
Why am I thinking
they buried the wrong guy?
79
00:04:03,742 --> 00:04:04,909
Cheer up, honey.
80
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,911
Your day will come.
81
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:09,113
And when it does, you'll be glad
we have that hearse.
82
00:04:09,114 --> 00:04:10,448
[doorbell rings]
83
00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:16,087
Al, I know you were
at a funeral and all,
84
00:04:16,088 --> 00:04:18,289
So this might be a bad time
to bring this up,
85
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:20,091
But did you happen to come
into our yard
86
00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:21,292
In the middle of the night
87
00:04:21,293 --> 00:04:23,561
And steal all our roses?
88
00:04:23,562 --> 00:04:27,265
Steve, I've never been
so insulted in my life.
89
00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:29,467
Well, then I guess
this isn't your watch.
90
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,671
So who died?
91
00:04:33,672 --> 00:04:34,906
A close family member?
92
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:36,040
No, worse. My barber.
93
00:04:36,041 --> 00:04:37,508
It hit me
pretty hard, too.
94
00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:38,910
Now, who am I
going to get
95
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:39,911
To cut my hair?
96
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:40,912
Well, why don't you
97
00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:42,780
Just do what you do
with your lawn?
98
00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:45,783
Park your car on it,
and let it die.
99
00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:46,851
Thanks, marce,
100
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,486
But much like the hair
on your legs,
101
00:04:48,487 --> 00:04:51,155
I need the help
of a trained professional.
102
00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:57,295
Look, al,
103
00:04:57,296 --> 00:04:59,330
Why don't you
just go to my barber?
104
00:04:59,331 --> 00:05:00,331
Well, thanks, steve,
105
00:05:00,332 --> 00:05:02,267
But I still care
how I look.
106
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:04,502
Dad, why don't you
just go to kelly's guy,
107
00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:07,071
Mr. Albino?
108
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:08,873
Or you could always go
to bud's guy
109
00:05:08,874 --> 00:05:11,642
At the pimple emporium.
110
00:05:11,643 --> 00:05:13,444
Ask for mr. Squeeze-it.
111
00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:17,782
Look how I live.
112
00:05:17,783 --> 00:05:19,083
Come on, al,
113
00:05:19,084 --> 00:05:20,785
The kids'll think
you're serious.
114
00:05:20,786 --> 00:05:23,888
Honey, you're making
a big thing over nothing.
115
00:05:23,889 --> 00:05:25,189
Usually,
you're a big thing
116
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Who makes nothing.
117
00:05:30,462 --> 00:05:33,131
Anyway, you can get
your hair cut anywhere.
118
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:35,900
There are thousands
of stylists in this city.
119
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Yeah, stylists.
120
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:38,903
I want a barber
with a barber pole,
121
00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:41,039
With a little dog
that lays on the floor
122
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,440
And scratches
and bites at his fleas.
123
00:05:42,441 --> 00:05:44,842
Where am I going to see
a sight like that again, peg?
124
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:46,811
Look next to me
while I'm sleeping.
125
00:05:48,513 --> 00:05:49,513
Al, why don't you
126
00:05:49,514 --> 00:05:50,915
Just find some guy
with good hair
127
00:05:50,916 --> 00:05:52,650
And ask him
where he gets it cut?
128
00:05:52,651 --> 00:05:54,986
Sure, I'll compliment him
on his great hair,
129
00:05:54,987 --> 00:05:55,987
And then he'll
compliment me
130
00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:57,121
On my bedroom eyes,
131
00:05:57,122 --> 00:05:59,991
And we'll live together
and make terrariums.
132
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,962
I'm going upstairs
to be alone with my grief.
133
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:07,365
Well, make sure
to pull up the air wick.
134
00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:12,370
Well, I gave buck
a nice big dish of water.
135
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,473
Now I'm gonna take him
for a walk on tony's grave.
136
00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:17,075
He didn't get to go
to the funeral,
137
00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:18,676
But I know he wants
to say goodbye
138
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In his own special way.
139
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He's quite a little guy,
isn't he?
140
00:06:26,051 --> 00:06:29,553
Gee, al seems to be
taking this pretty badly.
141
00:06:29,554 --> 00:06:30,721
Death is something
142
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You're never really
prepared for.
143
00:06:32,724 --> 00:06:33,924
Well, it does
make you think.
144
00:06:33,925 --> 00:06:36,794
I mean, one minute,
you're in perfect health,
145
00:06:36,795 --> 00:06:38,029
And then
the next minute, poof!
146
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:40,098
Al's dead.
147
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,266
Gee, and I'd be left
with no income
148
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:44,035
And no insurance.
149
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:45,036
What would I do?
150
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,472
Get a job?
151
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:51,075
No, I said,
what would I do?
152
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:55,446
I mean, of course
I would remarry,
153
00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:59,583
But that could take
up to nine months...
154
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:03,721
And what if al didn't die
till I was in my 40s?
155
00:07:03,722 --> 00:07:05,756
Then where would I be?
156
00:07:09,161 --> 00:07:10,495
Well, thank god
157
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,663
Steve cares enough
to get insurance.
158
00:07:12,664 --> 00:07:16,334
Why, he's worth more dead
than he is alive.
159
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:17,568
Well, so is al.
160
00:07:17,569 --> 00:07:18,602
You know,
161
00:07:18,603 --> 00:07:21,639
What with food stamps
and welfare and all.
162
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,644
How much is yours
worth dead?
163
00:07:26,645 --> 00:07:28,312
A cool mill.
164
00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:30,248
Wow.
165
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,290
What I could do
with a million dollars.
166
00:07:39,291 --> 00:07:40,291
Hey, marcy,
167
00:07:40,292 --> 00:07:42,726
Knowing he's worth
that much,
168
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Have you ever,
169
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:45,963
Late at night
while he's sleeping,
170
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:47,598
Thought about...
171
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:58,976
But all this
is pie in the sky.
172
00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:02,213
Peggy, you really should
get insurance for al.
173
00:08:02,214 --> 00:08:03,681
Uh, honey...
174
00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:04,882
I thought
175
00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:07,351
I was only insured
for $250,000.
176
00:08:07,352 --> 00:08:09,787
Steve, please.
This is girl talk.
177
00:08:09,788 --> 00:08:12,457
I know an insurance group
178
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,093
That not only will insure you
over the phone,
179
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:16,660
But will also raise
your coverage
180
00:08:16,661 --> 00:08:19,230
Without your husband
even knowing.
181
00:08:19,231 --> 00:08:20,831
I thought we were
going to discuss things
182
00:08:20,832 --> 00:08:22,166
That affect us both.
183
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:25,103
This doesn't affect you, steve.
184
00:08:28,173 --> 00:08:31,075
You'll be dead.
185
00:08:31,076 --> 00:08:32,743
Anyhow, peggy, all you need
186
00:08:32,744 --> 00:08:35,146
Is for al to give
a sample of his blood and urine,
187
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,147
And you're home.
188
00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:37,248
Hmm.
189
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:38,716
Well, the urine
would be easy.
190
00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:40,118
I could just put
a little cup
191
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,186
Five feet
from the bowl...
192
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:50,495
But the blood
is gonna be tough.
193
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,963
I could use
a million, though.
194
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:57,768
We all could.
195
00:08:57,769 --> 00:08:58,802
Well, we have to go.
196
00:08:58,803 --> 00:09:00,204
Steve has to sweep out
the gutters,
197
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:02,039
And I'm going to hold
the ladder for him.
198
00:09:04,576 --> 00:09:05,876
Uh...
199
00:09:05,877 --> 00:09:06,877
I love you, marcy.
200
00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:09,180
That's nice, dear.
201
00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,849
"first name," al.
202
00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:15,052
"last name," bundy.
203
00:09:15,053 --> 00:09:19,357
"sex," not worth mentioning.
204
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:20,358
Peg,
205
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:22,360
The darnedest thing...
206
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:24,928
When I woke up,
my neck was bleeding...
207
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,534
And there was a--
208
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:31,435
There was a jar between my legs.
209
00:09:35,707 --> 00:09:37,041
Well, uh,
210
00:09:37,042 --> 00:09:41,078
Maybe you dreamt
you were making preserves.
211
00:09:41,079 --> 00:09:43,681
Yeah,
that must be it.
212
00:09:43,682 --> 00:09:45,683
Peg, who am I
gonna get to cut my hair?
213
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:47,084
I called all my friends
last night.
214
00:09:47,085 --> 00:09:49,654
What did he say?
215
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:52,290
He said,
216
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:54,292
"yeah, I'm still in san quentin
for killing the wife,
217
00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:56,126
But it was worth it."
218
00:09:58,897 --> 00:10:00,264
And the rest of them said
219
00:10:00,265 --> 00:10:03,301
That they're gonna start
going to...Salons.
220
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,035
Hey, peg, these are plumbers,
221
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:07,137
Construction workers,
auto mechanics.
222
00:10:07,138 --> 00:10:12,210
Oh, unlike you,
skilled illiterates.
223
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,344
Come on, honey.
224
00:10:13,345 --> 00:10:15,346
What's wrong
with going to salons?
225
00:10:15,347 --> 00:10:16,380
Do they have
226
00:10:16,381 --> 00:10:18,516
Regular checker games
in salons, peg?
227
00:10:18,517 --> 00:10:20,751
Do they run the numbers
in salons, peg?
228
00:10:20,752 --> 00:10:22,587
Will they laugh in a salon
when you say...
229
00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:27,091
"what do women and dog doody
have in common?
230
00:10:27,092 --> 00:10:29,327
The older they get,
the easier they are to pick up."
231
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,195
Would they, peg?
232
00:10:38,103 --> 00:10:39,203
Probably not, al.
233
00:10:39,204 --> 00:10:40,304
Then I'm not going,
234
00:10:40,305 --> 00:10:41,805
And I'll tell you
something else.
235
00:10:41,806 --> 00:10:44,975
I need a place
that'll cut my nose hair.
236
00:10:44,976 --> 00:10:45,976
Tony would.
237
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:47,478
He was the greatest.
238
00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:50,748
He'd really get in there.
239
00:10:50,749 --> 00:10:53,851
Will a salon cut my nose hair,
peg?
240
00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:54,852
Probably not, al.
241
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:55,853
Then I'm not going.
242
00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:58,322
Then what are you gonna do, al?
243
00:10:58,323 --> 00:10:59,823
Die broke, peg,
244
00:10:59,824 --> 00:11:01,559
But first I'm find a barber,
245
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,793
A real man,
246
00:11:02,794 --> 00:11:05,028
A man who likes girls
but hates women.
247
00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:11,636
Look at him, kids.
248
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,904
He's worth a million dollars.
249
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:21,078
Get a haircut, al.
250
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:28,352
I'm not getting a haircut
until I find a barber.
251
00:11:28,353 --> 00:11:30,020
It's time, al.
252
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:31,389
Last night you were snoring,
253
00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:33,190
And your nose hairs
were going in and out
254
00:11:33,191 --> 00:11:36,226
Like a trombone.
255
00:11:36,227 --> 00:11:38,329
I'm afraid one day
they're gonna reach out
256
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:42,099
And suck in one of the kids.
257
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:47,070
Don't you think
I want to get a haircut, peg?
258
00:11:47,071 --> 00:11:49,072
Do you think I like fat guys
in granny glasses
259
00:11:49,073 --> 00:11:52,777
Asking me if I like
the new dead album?
260
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:56,314
But I'm trying
to make a statement here.
261
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:57,481
I'm saying,
262
00:11:57,482 --> 00:11:58,816
"let's not let
the barber disappear."
263
00:11:58,817 --> 00:12:00,984
God knows they've taken
everything else away from us
264
00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:03,187
In the so-called name
of progress.
265
00:12:03,188 --> 00:12:05,122
They take the pinball machine,
give you video games.
266
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,490
What do I care
267
00:12:06,491 --> 00:12:08,892
If a monkey can make it
to the top of a building?
268
00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:10,695
Unless he's up there
to throw off his wife,
269
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:13,096
It doesn't matter to me.
270
00:12:13,097 --> 00:12:14,097
I want flippers.
271
00:12:14,098 --> 00:12:15,833
I want steel balls,
272
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,368
And I want my barber, damn it!
273
00:12:21,473 --> 00:12:22,640
Is he brain-dead?
274
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:25,909
Because we just might
be able to collect.
275
00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:27,812
And cartoons.
276
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:30,047
Has anybody here
seen cartoons lately?
277
00:12:30,048 --> 00:12:31,915
No, we're grown up, dad.
278
00:12:31,916 --> 00:12:34,151
Well, I have,
and they stink.
279
00:12:34,152 --> 00:12:35,486
Peg, remember
when a mouse
280
00:12:35,487 --> 00:12:36,954
Could hit a cat
over the head
281
00:12:36,955 --> 00:12:38,556
With a frying pan
and flatten his head?
282
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:39,790
Now you know what they do?
283
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:42,526
They go into therapy
and talk it out...
284
00:12:42,527 --> 00:12:43,927
And you know who's to blame?
285
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:46,697
Women and pacifists,
286
00:12:46,698 --> 00:12:48,899
And you know where they go
to make my life miserable?
287
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,569
Salons!
288
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:52,837
Come on, family,
289
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,638
Can't you get behind old dad
on this one?
290
00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:56,240
Well, we can't get
in front of you.
291
00:12:56,241 --> 00:12:59,510
Your nose hairs would spear us.
292
00:12:59,511 --> 00:13:00,511
That's it!
293
00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:05,148
Now, I never thought
this would happen to me.
294
00:13:05,149 --> 00:13:07,084
Life has taken everything else
away from me.
295
00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:08,085
I quit.
296
00:13:08,086 --> 00:13:09,086
That's it.
297
00:13:09,087 --> 00:13:11,188
I'm going to a salon.
298
00:13:11,189 --> 00:13:12,890
Wherever tony is,
299
00:13:12,891 --> 00:13:14,291
I hope they buried him face down
300
00:13:14,292 --> 00:13:16,293
So he never has to live
to see my shame
301
00:13:16,294 --> 00:13:18,962
Because al bundy...
302
00:13:26,004 --> 00:13:29,973
Is gonna get washed...
And blown.
303
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:51,929
Hi.
304
00:13:54,365 --> 00:13:56,300
Come in. Come in.
305
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:59,369
What can we do for you?
306
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:04,675
[yells]
307
00:14:07,378 --> 00:14:10,915
Ooh, a first-timer.
308
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,083
Now, sit down.
309
00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:14,384
Relax.
310
00:14:14,385 --> 00:14:16,687
Someone will be with you
in a minute.
311
00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:22,793
So, what do you think
about those bears?
312
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:24,462
Well, if people
wouldn't feed them,
313
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:28,298
They wouldn't raid
the campsites.
314
00:14:28,299 --> 00:14:29,299
Yeah, that's
what I think
315
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:32,603
About the white sox.
316
00:14:32,604 --> 00:14:34,472
[passes gas]
317
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,480
Hi.
318
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,149
You get your hair
done here too?
319
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:49,119
Ever since I could find
an old man to pay for it.
320
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,153
Do you like it?
321
00:14:50,154 --> 00:14:51,789
Oh, yes.
322
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:52,923
Are you rich?
323
00:14:52,924 --> 00:14:54,291
No.
324
00:14:54,292 --> 00:14:55,493
Oh.
325
00:14:58,429 --> 00:14:59,429
Hi. I'm murphy.
326
00:14:59,430 --> 00:15:01,431
What can I do for you?
327
00:15:01,432 --> 00:15:04,368
Do you know
how to dance in a cage?
328
00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:06,403
I mean, no, I need a haircut.
329
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:08,205
Well, come with me.
330
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:11,942
That's a nice place
you got there.
331
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,915
Now, my old barber
used to charge a buck-25.
332
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,049
How much are you guys?
333
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,083
$60.
334
00:15:20,084 --> 00:15:22,119
No, seriously.
335
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,055
Ooh, aren't we woolly?
336
00:15:25,056 --> 00:15:27,958
Yeah, you guys
really aren't $60, are you?
337
00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:29,259
Well,
you know our motto,
338
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:30,327
"people are suckers."
339
00:15:30,328 --> 00:15:31,695
Oops.
340
00:15:31,696 --> 00:15:34,331
I'm not supposed to
say that to the customers.
341
00:15:34,332 --> 00:15:35,332
Oh, well.
342
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,800
Just relax.
343
00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:38,736
Leave your head
in our hands.
344
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:40,738
We'll start
with a nice scalp massage.
345
00:15:40,739 --> 00:15:42,472
Alrighty.
346
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,479
My name's bundy.
347
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,549
Al bundy.
348
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:52,550
Oh, that's good.
349
00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:53,751
Hey, you know, it was funny.
350
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:55,352
I was kind of worried
coming over here.
351
00:15:55,353 --> 00:15:59,590
Well, you know,
not being a sissy or anything,
352
00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:01,959
If I'd have known you were--
353
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,161
If I'd have known
you were going to be doing me,
354
00:16:04,162 --> 00:16:05,629
I'd have been here years ago.
355
00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:07,031
I wish you would
have said that
356
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,433
When I was single.
357
00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:13,470
Mom, how long
do we have to sit here
358
00:16:13,471 --> 00:16:14,572
In the dark?
359
00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:18,943
Until your father
comes out of the bushes.
360
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:20,143
He won't come
in the house
361
00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:23,047
Unless he thinks
we're sleeping.
362
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:27,651
Well, what if he looks
like a geek?
363
00:16:27,652 --> 00:16:30,487
Can we laugh?
364
00:16:30,488 --> 00:16:32,189
Kelly,
he's your father.
365
00:16:32,190 --> 00:16:34,458
Of course we can.
366
00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:37,260
Oh, shh!
367
00:16:37,261 --> 00:16:40,064
I think
I smell him coming.
368
00:16:45,837 --> 00:16:47,037
[grunts]
369
00:16:54,479 --> 00:16:57,347
Well, how do you like it?
370
00:16:57,348 --> 00:17:00,017
You look
like a fruit, al.
371
00:17:01,686 --> 00:17:03,854
Thanks, peg.
372
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:04,855
Pretty cool, dad.
373
00:17:04,856 --> 00:17:05,856
It gives you
374
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:09,559
That "no closet
can hold me" look.
375
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,565
Now, leave dad alone.
376
00:17:15,566 --> 00:17:19,837
You're still going to wear
men's clothing, aren't you?
377
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:21,505
Oh, honey,
we're just teasing.
378
00:17:21,506 --> 00:17:23,774
You look fantastic.
379
00:17:23,775 --> 00:17:25,275
Doesn't he, kids?
380
00:17:25,276 --> 00:17:26,276
Great.
381
00:17:26,277 --> 00:17:27,778
Yummy.
382
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:33,316
See? It's unanimous.
383
00:17:33,317 --> 00:17:34,752
By the way,
384
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:38,055
Your nose hairs
look somehow longer.
385
00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:39,957
They moussed them...
386
00:17:45,263 --> 00:17:47,665
But they wouldn't cut them.
387
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:48,666
The important thing is,
388
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:52,602
I, uh...I feel cool.
389
00:17:52,603 --> 00:17:53,603
Good night.
390
00:18:03,214 --> 00:18:05,082
Some, uh...
391
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:08,552
Some sex tonight, peg?
392
00:18:08,553 --> 00:18:10,020
No, thanks.
393
00:18:25,536 --> 00:18:26,770
Hi, guys.
394
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:31,274
Sorry I'm late,
395
00:18:31,275 --> 00:18:33,577
But I had a rinse,
mousse, and protein pack.
396
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:35,345
Hey, man.
397
00:18:35,346 --> 00:18:36,513
Watch that cigar, man.
398
00:18:36,514 --> 00:18:38,548
You're gonna get smoke
in my hair...
399
00:18:40,651 --> 00:18:44,588
And mr. Freddy says it's hell
on my conditioner, man.
400
00:18:44,589 --> 00:18:47,524
Mr. Luscious won't let me
put on my construction hat.
401
00:18:47,525 --> 00:18:50,327
It ruins the integrity
of the cut.
402
00:18:50,328 --> 00:18:52,696
[belches]
403
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:55,265
You look good, al.
404
00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:57,134
Yeah, we're studs.
405
00:19:00,271 --> 00:19:01,705
So, what are we
gonna do tonight,
406
00:19:01,706 --> 00:19:04,041
Put on our baby dolls,
drink a few beers,
407
00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:07,177
And give each other spankings?
408
00:19:07,178 --> 00:19:08,678
How about shooting
some pool?
409
00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:10,814
No, no, the severity of the neon
410
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:13,350
Will ruin the highlights
in my hair.
411
00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:15,552
Bowling?
412
00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:17,054
No, we'd get beat up.
413
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,388
Well, what can we do
414
00:19:18,389 --> 00:19:20,090
That won't put any stress
on our hair?
415
00:19:20,091 --> 00:19:23,060
We could go see
la cage aux folles.
416
00:19:26,564 --> 00:19:29,599
It's really a fine play.
417
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,902
You're a plumber, louie.
418
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:36,106
I was never really comfortable
as a plumber.
419
00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:41,311
[clears throat]
420
00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:43,413
Louie, excuse us a second.
421
00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:46,016
[all clicking tongues]
422
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:49,486
Look at-- this is a mess.
423
00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:51,121
Look, it's all over for louie,
424
00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:53,590
And, russ, you're slipping...
425
00:19:55,927 --> 00:19:56,927
But we got a chance.
426
00:19:56,928 --> 00:19:58,195
Here's what we got to do--
427
00:19:58,196 --> 00:20:00,130
We go out and find
a fire hydrant.
428
00:20:00,131 --> 00:20:01,531
We turn that sucker on.
429
00:20:01,532 --> 00:20:05,368
We stick our heads in the hole
and wash the gay away.
430
00:20:09,073 --> 00:20:11,842
You mean go outside
without nets?
431
00:20:13,477 --> 00:20:15,412
I think we better hurry,
432
00:20:15,413 --> 00:20:17,014
And afterwards,
no matter how long it takes,
433
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:19,649
We find a barber, a real barber.
434
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:20,517
Let's go.
435
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:25,322
Louie, come on.
436
00:20:25,323 --> 00:20:27,490
We're going dancing.
437
00:20:28,793 --> 00:20:29,793
I want a steak.
438
00:20:29,794 --> 00:20:30,794
I want beer.
439
00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:31,795
I want a woman.
440
00:20:31,796 --> 00:20:34,164
I'm not dressed for dancing.
441
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,803
Well, kids, your daddy's
worthless again.
442
00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:42,806
The insurance company found out
he was a shoe salesman.
443
00:20:42,807 --> 00:20:44,141
They refused to cover him
444
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:47,044
Because of the high
suicide rate.
445
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,045
So, in other words,
446
00:20:48,046 --> 00:20:50,580
Dead or alive,
we still starve.
447
00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:53,150
Then, why do we
keep him?
448
00:20:53,151 --> 00:20:56,286
Without him,
we'd have to get jobs...
449
00:20:56,287 --> 00:20:59,189
And buck seems
to like him.
450
00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:00,190
Where is dad?
451
00:21:00,191 --> 00:21:02,392
Oh, he and the rest
of the think tank
452
00:21:02,393 --> 00:21:04,627
Are out searching
for a barber.
453
00:21:08,166 --> 00:21:11,001
Mom, you can be
square with me.
454
00:21:11,002 --> 00:21:15,405
I mean, I know kelly
is dad's natural daughter...
455
00:21:15,406 --> 00:21:17,174
But me, I was just
some one-night stand
456
00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:19,243
With a cool guy, right?
457
00:21:26,684 --> 00:21:28,485
I heard that.
458
00:21:28,486 --> 00:21:31,054
I'm not dad's,
either.
459
00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:33,190
Are too.
460
00:21:33,191 --> 00:21:34,191
Am not.
461
00:21:34,192 --> 00:21:35,458
Are too.
Am not.
462
00:21:35,459 --> 00:21:38,528
Kids, stop that!
463
00:21:38,529 --> 00:21:40,563
You're both daddy's kids.
464
00:21:47,571 --> 00:21:50,573
Peg, I did it!
465
00:21:50,574 --> 00:21:52,342
I found a barber...
466
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:58,581
But not just any barber.
467
00:21:58,582 --> 00:22:02,052
I found tony's dad in cicero.
468
00:22:02,053 --> 00:22:03,486
He's 97 and half-blind,
469
00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:05,956
But he taught tony
everything he knows.
470
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:07,257
He even trimmed my nose hairs.
Look.
471
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:10,260
Look.
472
00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:17,067
Now, that's old-world
craftsmanship right there.
473
00:22:17,068 --> 00:22:19,269
Now, I know you think I'm crazy,
474
00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:23,206
But there's nothing
like going to a real barber.
475
00:22:23,207 --> 00:22:24,707
Even though his hand
shakes a little.
476
00:22:43,461 --> 00:22:46,330
[♪]